This Is Me

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West Bloomfield, Michigan, United States
I just live my life the best way I can. Hopefully, God has mercy on me and accepts me into His kingdom when my journey here is done.

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Monday, April 23, 2012


Last night my son, who is nearly 11, was sick. I mean, fever knocking on 102, sore throat, runny nose, just the works man. Now as we all know, Fibromyalgia gives no fcuks at all about our lives. That bastard couldn't care less that my boy was sick and that I was in serious pain already. For those who are just joining or catching up with my blog, I've been in a flare almost a year. I know its abnormal however, because I worked thru so many months not knowing I HAD Fibro, my body shut down. This heifer is still on haitus somewhere in the Carribbean. I wish she'd bring her ass back because I'm tired of being disabled. Anyway, I digress...back to last night; its amazing how when we are faced with a challenge we either fight or flight.

I was up every two hours checking his forehead, giving him water, meds, the whole nine yards. Again, I am already exhausted & in pain but my child needs me. What else can I do? Adreneline kicked in as I stayed next to him from 5am to 8am. Nearly delirious, I finally asked him would he be ok if I took a nap. He allowed me to go and I slept HARD. I still haven't caught on my sleep, and every muscle in my body including my toes hurt. My calves & feel feel like I spent the day walking through Disney world in beauty supply store flip flops. I can barely keep my eyes open.

My point is this; people wonder how disabled & chronically ill people do what they do daily. What they don't know is that we've been given upgraded grace & mercy to handle every situation. My body is paying for the "push" I gave it this weekend. Its cool. My job was done; Alex is feeling better, my mom is helping me this week & all is well. Don't count us out. We know we can't do much physically, emotionally or verbally, but we can and will at least TRY.


Sunday, January 29, 2012

My Fibro Lifestyle - Part 1

It's hard to live with that bastard they call Fibromyalgia.

If you have Fibro, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Day in and day out we're faced with monumental decisions that healthy people consider minimal & insignificant. Take for instance basic hygiene; do I have enough strength to stand in the shower alone or should I soak in a hot tub? If I do get into a beautiful, bubbly bliss how long will it take me to get out of the tub? Ok, those are on the "ok" days. How about when you can barely get out of bed, and when you finally do it's just stumble into the living room just to have a change of scenery? Do you really think Fibromyalgia and other chronically ill patients have perfect hygiene? You do? Interesting.

I've been dealing with Fibro for over 10 years even though I've only been diagnosed officially for less than a year. However, for decades I've been eating fast food, processed foods and tons of sugar daily. Daily! I used to be so depressed and lonely that I found comfort in food. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight for being only 5'2. Short. Fat. Correction, I am short and obese, but I don't look fat. I'm very well proportionate for a thick girl. That's not the point. The point that has finally begun to sink into my bigass head was my health. I've started to take it more seriously recently. Immersing myself in Fibromyalgia research and homeopathic therapies and such to relieve my symptoms is a daily regimen online for me.

I  am finally making small, yet significant changes in my eating habits. I'm teaching myself that I don't need a starch with every meal, like potatoes or rice or pasta. I love starch. I'm eating more fresh fruit than I've eaten in years, and frozen vegetables (or raw) depending on how I feel. In the bread category (yes dammit, I know that's starch too) I've migrated from yeast rolls or processed white store bought rolls to sliced 100% whole wheat bread. I use it for toast in the morning, or to cushion my turkey burger at night. Speaking of night, I normally finish my "grazing" by 8pm.

Sugar was my bestest friend of all. Cake. Icing. Cookies. Pies. Icing. Ice cream. Ok, Sugar was actually my boyfriend. We did everything together. Spent many lonely nights with Sugar as my soul mate. I tried breaking up with Sugar more than once in the 20th and 21st centuries, but Sugar always came back stronger and sweeter. Finally, my aunt Cynthia told me about a book called "When Food Is Love" by Geneen Roth and I asked my mom to purchase it for me. My eyes began to open. I don't depend on Sugar as much anymore. If I want caramel cake from Kroger I buy it and eat it. No guilt. I don't forbid Sugar from my world. However I am more aware of how many products Sugar lives in. 100% apple juice. Ketchup. Pancake syrup. Jelly. It's amazing what your mind will conform to when your options are limited.

Often, I'm in so much pain, or so exhausted I don't have the will to get dressed, drive to the store, peruse the bakery, and drive home. Just too much. So, I started buying small candy bars. Almond Joy. It's like sex in a tiny blue & white wrapper. When I ran out of candy, I ate handfuls of the mini-chocolate chips in the pantry. I no longer put honey or sugar in my teas. I don't drink diet soda or use Splenda any more either. If I want a Coke, I buy a 20 oz bottle, drink it in about 2-3 days and I'm done. I mix water into my apple juice to dilute it. None of this is easy, trust me, but any progress is a victory. Don't discount or despise small beginnings.

You know what else has helped? My parents stopped fighting me on my sugar addiction. See, I rebel against anything almost. If you tell me not to do something, I'm going to do it just because I can. The last few weeks they haven't made any negative comments about my eating or my weight. If they don't make a big deal with it, I guess I don't either. My mom even went to a separate store to get me two slices of cake the other day. In the past, I would've devoured both pieces within 3 hours before I went to bed. This time, I didn't touch it for two days. I put it in the refrigerator. I just wasn't craving it. Finally the 3rd day I ate a slice with some ice cream. It was just ok. Not one of the better slices I've had. I waited til the next day to finish it off. I don't care how much I don't care for it, I don't waste cake unless it's hard, dry or stale. Bam!

Adapting a healthy regime as a Fibro patient is difficult, but it's not impossible. Funny. I'm watching the first Mission Impossible as I'm writing this. Life is lonely without Twitter and Facebook man. I'm taking a 7 day hiatus because I was so addicted to it. Talking to myself gets old after awhile, so I'm reduced to blogging. Which, is great, since I'm a writer, and I'm supposed to write daily anyway. It's been less than 24 hours and I miss playing Cityville like a crackhead misses his pipe. I digress.

I suppose this post will turn into a series off Fibro Lifestyle updates so we'll label this Part 1. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go lick a spoonful of Southern Crunch Butter Pecan Light Ice Cream from Kroger. Just one spoon. That's all I need. What I want is...never mind. Not the point. Y'all enjoy the read and I will update you soon.

Peace out,

The Fibro Warrior Princess

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's Been A Long Time...

I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to step to. My old school heads will know that's a take from Eric B. & Rakim joint in the 90's. Hip hop. Look it up.

Happy New Year, Fibro Warriors!

I can't believe I've fallen off like I have to start the new year with y'all! Shame on me! I had a lapse of lazy. It's true. It's true. I discovered a new "devil" online called Cityville. If you ain't played it and you like a challenge to be creative and solve problems, you should definitely check it out.

I've been doing experiments over the past few months with online gaming. I've found that for a Fibromyalgia sufferer, online gaming actually has several positive benefits.

  • Provides social interaction - Those with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and M.S. know that with our pain and infuriating exhaustion levels it is very difficult for us to get out and socialize like normal people. We try, we really do, but more often than not, it is simply not in the cards for us. Online gaming allows you to connect with people around the world. Most games have a "chat" feature where you can have short conversations. Other games, like my beloved Cityville (and Farmville and Castleville all by Zynga) make you rely on other players to conquer quests and "level up." You usually need to collect various items from others or need their assistance to say, "serve in City Hall" in Cityville
  •  Cultivates "Fibro Fog" -  Games like Words With Friends (a spin off of Scrabble) force us to think of strategies to get the most points. Grant it, we usually only come up with 1st grade words like "Hot" and "Dog" it's the best we can do. Just do it. Don't be embarrassed. We can only do the best we can. 
  •  Provides a "No Judgement Zone" - Never in the past 3 years of playing online games have I ever encountered a negative experience with anyone calling me "stupid" or "slow" or anything else. It's a judgement free environment. If you don't feel like playing for a week, when you get back online, no one bugs you with "Where were you?!" or "How stupid can you be?" Never. I've gamed with strangers and there's always a mutual respect online. 
  • Relax and have fun! - Fibro gives us enough stress & sorrow during daily life IF we allow it to. Take time out to forget about the laundry that's piled up and the dishes in the sink.We usually never have enough energy or strength to complete every task that lay before us. Stop stressing over it! Log onto Facebook (or Pogo or Yahoo Games, your choice) find a game you like and just try it. Did I mention 90% of the online games are either free or provide you with a free demo version to try before you buy? Winner winner, chicken dinner. 
I don't know if I'll always have tips for you, but as I started typing this new post this is the topic that came to mind. I didn't want to start the year off on a negative note about my current battle with my symptoms & such. I do want to wish you all the best in health, life, and love. It's not always easy to remain upbeat dealing with our illness, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? Rock on witcha' bad selves Fibro Warriors.

Ashara (Fibro Warrior Princess)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dear Fibro,

I get so far ahead of myself sometimes that I literally have to close programs, shut the laptop down, and turn off everything electric and just sit.


I allow you to overwhelm me because with any semblance of a minor boost of energy, or just enough strength in my body to perform a task, I seize the moment with intense fervor.

See, I never know when you'll rear your ugly head again for a major flare. Hell, I haven't been able to shake the current flare that I've had for months because I kept trying to work my insanely difficult job that stressed me out before I could even leave the house!

Learning to live with your temporary stay in my body (since I'm wholeheartedly believing for Jesus to heal me one day) is a lifestyle change. After years of living a certain way, it's pretty hard to just complete a 180 degree turn. I have so many people with good intentions giving me advice. Eat this. Don't that. Exercise like this. Don't sit like that.


Really. Is it that simple? No. No it's not. I would get so frustrated and irritated at myself for "slipping" one day and eating 2 slices of cake. Or going 2 days without showering or eating or even leaving the bed. Oh yeah baby, it's happened on more than one occasion. I'm not ashamed because I'm being real. I say things that others feel they have to keep secret.

Free speech is liberating. I don't care if you judge me. I don't care if you don't understand. And I for damn sure don't care if you talk about me behind my back. I wouldn't wish constant pain like Fibro on my worse enemy. I can't remember the last time I had 100% energy & strength. Maybe I had one or 2 days in September? For a stretch longer than a week it's been since 2010. When my mom, Alex, and I went to Florida for a long weekend that Memorial Day we were humpin' man. Walking, shopping, pulling luggage, running from the rainstorms, and mini golfing in 90 degree heat. Hell, I even played basketball with Alex in that tropic air!

I was definitely tired, and took my share of naps daily while they swam or just hung out, but I had more sinus issues & fatigue than excruciating pain. I was achy, but it was bearable. I'm so happy my mom took us on that trip when she did. We had no idea how "sick" I'd be in 2011. I'm thankful to have a very strong support system in my family. Even my 10 yr old helps me and understands why we stay home so much. Fortunately, he's a sweet boy and hardly ever complains.

I'm not sitting at home having the time of my life. My best friends are Comcast Xfinity and my Acer laptop. They keep me company and occupied. I blog, I research, I write, I search for new ways of generating income. I play social games online, something I have never been a huge fan of. I'm a loner. However, the interaction, is nice. As are the people I've met in Fibromyalgia support groups online. This week has been kinda rough. I'm listless, sneezing, congested, having headaches, insomnia, and lack of appetite all on TOP of the stupid pain.

But like my grandma Emma always told me, if I don't do nothin' else in this life, I better just "keep on keepin' on." I love that woman. Her picture is in my living room. I've never stopped missing her. Probably never will.

It's just about 10:00pm here in Michigan. I'm exhausted. I interviewed a musical artist earlier, and I've been commissioned to write up the biography for the record label. World Shakerz Music. Look them up someday. Instead of rushing through the write up, I had to regroup and take a deep breath. Hence, which is how I ended up starting this post.

And there it is...

Ashara, The Fibro Warrior Princess

Friday, December 2, 2011

Dear Fibro,

Goodness Punk, it's been almost a month since I wrote. December. Cold has settled in which means more challenges for me and my body. Take one step forward and two back when it comes to you Fibro but as long as I keep on keeping on as my grandma used to tell me I win ya' bastard.

Been interesting not working. Difficult financially of course. Thank God I have family and friends to lean on while so many things are pending (appeals, etc.) The relief is the fact that my stress level has decreased by 50% or more! My job is stressful enough, but when you incorporate forcing yourself out of bed, getting dressed for the day and finally getting in the car to GO to work, you're done!

You can't create extra energy with a snap of your finger. You can't decrease the stiffness and pain from mere "regular" pain pills. And my God you can't magically open your eyes and mind to even focus to drive to work because you've had insomnia for 4 days!!! Can you say "danger?"

I love it when people swear they know you, Fibro, and you don't inhabit, interrupt or infect their world

Shout out to my Fibro Facebook Friends. We keep each other sane, strong, and sensible.

Do you know how difficult it is to change your lifestyle 180 degrees? To learn to listen to your body and what triggers certain physical reactions? What to eat, what not to eat, how long to walk, how much to lift, so on and so forth...

Fibromyalgia is a beeotch. And that's all I have to say.

Fibro Warrior Princess