I'm Having A Moment...

Dear Fibro &$%*,

I'm having a moment.

I'm not lazy.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not making any of my symptoms up.

It's not my fault that my condition can't be "proven" by lab tests or scans.

I know what this is. It's a test. Another test. The same test I keep failing.

Will I crumble into a ball and sob my eyes out again?

Will I yell and cuss and call my mom and vent to her?

Will I ask God those same questions: "Why God Why?" "When God When."

(That's in my best Joyce Meyer voice.)

No.

This time, I'm going to pass the test.

This time, I'm going to completely and totally rely on God. I'm not taking matters back into my own hands.

I'm not working. I can't work.  If I could, then I would obviously because I've worked since I was 13 years old. I baby sat for families at church. Then I went to the mall at 15 and started working at Corey's Jewel Box. After I graduated came Comfort Inn, Atheneum Suite Hotel, Verizon Wireless, Bright House Networks, Kelly Services, Zales, Borders, BCBSM, I was a private nanny for a year; hell I even worked at Chuck E. Cheese.

I. AM. NOT. LAZY.

But I won't do it anymore. I won't push myself into the grave because I'm "making" myself ignore this illness.

Do you know WHY I've had so many jobs? Because I've been dealing with the pain and exhaustion and confusion, and mental stress, and so much more for YEARS. I have to switch jobs when I've taken too many sick days, short term disability leaves, my attendance gets jacked up, or I just cannot handle the pain. I've been "almost fired" from several jobs, "laid off" from a few and literally fired from one.

This cannot and will not go on. I believe God can and will heal me. However, I am NOT going to insult myself or the rest of the Fibromyalgia/Chronic Illness society by saying that I DON'T have this condition.

God didn't make us stupid.

Correction: God didn't make ME stupid. I can't speak for the rest of you yahoo's out here.

So many doctors don't want to "touch" Fibromyalgia. The Rheumatologists that I've had so far don't seem to be willing to "vouch" for disability. They seem to think that meds and exercise automatically will solve everything and in 2 weeks (or whatever) I "can go back to working" at a high volume, high stress call center where I sit 8 hrs a day tied to a phone taking 60+ calls.

Did I mention stress is a MAJOR factor in Fibromyalgia flares? Oh, I'm sorry, did you say, "Well, get a non-stress job"?

Are you serious?

Name one job that's non stressful. Go ahead...I'll wait.

The defense rests. No further questions.

I write because I am a writer. My frustration is best taken out on you, the culprit, Fibromyalgia, in the form of the written word. You don't have to like my blog. I really don't care.

I have nothing except my faith, my family, and my frankness.

I'm asking for donations guys. I'm raising funds to pay my heat and lights, to pay for my internet to blog, to buy groceries, and to purchase gifts for Alex this Christmas. I can't do this alone. I've tried. I've failed.

Thank you to all of you who have given from your hearts already. I hope one day, I can return the blessing.

I'm having a moment.

I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry.

Love,
The (still fighting hard) Fibro Warrior Princess
Ashara

Dear Funky Fibro,

Your a** has been working my ever livin' nerves today.
I have been on the most insane, emotional carpet ride...and I didn't even take any 'shrooms.

The pain was worse today. No reason why. At least, no reason that I know of. I made myself walk outside, for 15 minutes, with my cane. I moved slower than a drunken snail. Crazy right?

It's always worse on my right side. My right ankle and wrist were very sore. I'm pretty happy with what I accomplished with that walk though. Alex is always happy to see me waiting for him at the bus drop when he gets off. Of course, he runs ahead of me to get to our apt. Hell, I wouldn't want to be seen with the Crip Walkin' Mommy either. My feelings aren't hurt.

Mom came by with more groceries. I feel so horrible that my parents are spending their hard earned retirement money on me! I can't give them anything because I do not have ANY money coming in. You should see me scour the internet for "freebies" everyday. Coupons, samples, I take lengthy surveys to get e-rewards for gift cards. *Shaking my head*

I was on the verge of a serious dip into depression this morning thinking about all of the obstacles I'm facing. My job. The approval (or rather non approval) of disability at this time. Doctors appointments. Christmas for Alexander. The bills piling up. The fact that there are so so many events that I've missed this summer because of you, Fibromyalgia, and the ones that I will more than likely miss coming up.

New Edition will be at the Fox Theater New Years Eve. My God. That is my favorite group EVER. I've been to every reunion concert since 1996. One year, I even went ALONE, and sat in the 3rd row. I had the time of my life. Not only do I not have the money to go this year, but I doubt I'll even have the strength to go.

That in itself, pisses me off to the highest of pissivity.

So, what do I do? I immersed myself in God's word. Everyday I'm here at home, I watch Joyce Meyer, Marilyn Hickey or someone like that. I lay in bed reading the Bible on an app I downloaded for Android. I pray. I don't holler and scream. I talk to God like I talk to you, Fibro. This morning He reminded me:

Philippians 4:6

*The Message (MSG)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

God basically told me to simmer down, and let him take care of me. Before you knew it, donations started rolling in, and tears were rolling down my face. To know that my plea for financial help from my cyber community of colleagues was heard just blew me away. Who knows what they may have had to sacrifice in order to bless ME?

Pride is a bitch, man. And as a Capricorn, I have a lot of it. Swallowing that pill hurt. It's amazing how you can have so much going for you one day, and be in the valley of the shadow of death the next. Oh sure, I know there are others who are worse off than I am. I wish I could help them. But I can't help myself right now.

Troubles don't last always. Thank God. I have to pass this "test."
Patience. Trust. Endurance. Faith.
I think tomorrow I'm going to tell you what I think some Christians probably think about me and my "lack of faith" as it relates to my healing and "deliverance" from you, Fibro. It's funny...I digress.

It's almost 1am, I've got yesterday's episode of Days of Our Lives aimlessly playing in the background, I'm hungry, sleepy, and wired all at once. Who DOES that? Oh, right.

Fibromyalgia. Bastard.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my rambles. Many thanks to those who have already given to my support fund. I sincerely appreciate you. I have a long way before I reach my goal, but I believe that it will be met before the end of 2011.

I'm doing the best that I can. My grandmother, Emma Leroy Peyton Evans, always encouraged me to no matter what, "keep on keepin' on." I got you Nana. That's what I'm doing.

Signed,
The Fibro Warrior Princess
Ashara

*The Message (MSG)Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Dear (not!) Fibro, 


What up, Punk! 


I made it through another day. Thank you God!! I'm always in pain. All. Ways. 
Thing is, I am a fighter. Hence the song on this page. 


Philippians 4:13 (Whole Chapter)
I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (KJV bible.com)


You like that, Fibro? I know my God and I know His Word. I'm not where I need to be but by God I thank Him that I am NOT where I used to be! 


Oh look, a spider is on the wall next to me. Not a big one. I'll let him ride. Then again...


I get distracted easily. He'll freeze to death when the heat goes off anyway. 


Back to you, Fibro foe. 


I'm finding ways to work around you. I may not be able to work in an office, on the phones or anything remotely of that nature. Look, see, now my vision is blurring again. Great. Blink. Blink. Blink. 


Ok, I'm back. 


This stuff is real people. Today, I almost fell into the stove. I was walking over to it, loss my balance (I ALWAYS fall to the right, never the left) and had to put my hand out to keep from kissing the stove with my big ol' soup coolers. Thank God I hadn't turned it on yet. 


I think that's why my mom makes my meals and we make sure I can microwave food. Otherwise, well, with Fibro, you just never know. I forget things. Lose my balance. Blurry vision. Oh yeah, it's true. It's true. 


I'm very sleepy now. I need to go lie on this massage bed to relax my muscles. It's a hard road created by Fibro, but you already know what I'm going to say: Fight Fibro with Faith. Okay, I've never used that phrase before but I really like it. 


To all my fellow Fibro-ites out there, know you are not alone. We fight Fibro together. This is our "thorn" to bear, and God's grace is sufficient to carry us through it each and everyday we our blessed to see. 


Leave me a comment. Email me privately at 7ashara7@gmail.com. Donate via Pay Pay to help me keep this blog going. I don't have any income right now. Every disability claim I've filed is in limbo. God provides and I thank you in advance for your love and support. 


Signed, 


The Fibro Warrior Princess 
Ashara

Dear Fibro,


My mom says I shouldn't start my letters to you with "dear" because it denotes "love" or "affection."


Bulls**t.


You know I'm like Snoop Dogg, and since you act like one you should know "I don't love you, hoe."


I digress.


You are pissing me off this week. For 4 days I couldn't sleep. Stupid insomnia. On top of that I've got a pending sinus infection that I've been fighting. Taking Advil Cold & Sinus and using a Neti Pot thingy to rinse my nose out. I always feel like I'm drowning so you know I hate it.


On top of all that, my employers STD (that's Short Term Disability for you simpletons) administrators are pushing me to the brink of screaming. Since your ass, Fibro, cannot be proven with "objective" findings they want every single symptom listed that I'm going through.


My doctor is doing everything he can sending them info and they claim its "not enough to qualify you as disabled." I'm frustrated and want to cuss the WORLD out!!! But, that's my flesh talking. My spirit, God, is telling me to chill. Fall back. He got this.


HUGE SIGH.


Fibro, you won't catch me slippin' this time. No way. I even walked TWICE today. Both walks were 5 minutes each. See some of the readers may think that's pitiful, but that's why I write about you, Fibro, because "they" don't understand.


I'm not spending anymore time on you today. I had to get this stress out onto paper. My pressure is up, and my morale is down, but guess what...


"Though He slay me, YET will I TRUST in Him..." - Job 13:15


I may be down in my heart, but I know God is in control of all of this.


You lose again Fibro.


Signed,
The Fibro Warrior Princess
Ashara