I'm Having A Moment...

Dear Fibro &$%*,

I'm having a moment.

I'm not lazy.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not making any of my symptoms up.

It's not my fault that my condition can't be "proven" by lab tests or scans.

I know what this is. It's a test. Another test. The same test I keep failing.

Will I crumble into a ball and sob my eyes out again?

Will I yell and cuss and call my mom and vent to her?

Will I ask God those same questions: "Why God Why?" "When God When."

(That's in my best Joyce Meyer voice.)

No.

This time, I'm going to pass the test.

This time, I'm going to completely and totally rely on God. I'm not taking matters back into my own hands.

I'm not working. I can't work.  If I could, then I would obviously because I've worked since I was 13 years old. I baby sat for families at church. Then I went to the mall at 15 and started working at Corey's Jewel Box. After I graduated came Comfort Inn, Atheneum Suite Hotel, Verizon Wireless, Bright House Networks, Kelly Services, Zales, Borders, BCBSM, I was a private nanny for a year; hell I even worked at Chuck E. Cheese.

I. AM. NOT. LAZY.

But I won't do it anymore. I won't push myself into the grave because I'm "making" myself ignore this illness.

Do you know WHY I've had so many jobs? Because I've been dealing with the pain and exhaustion and confusion, and mental stress, and so much more for YEARS. I have to switch jobs when I've taken too many sick days, short term disability leaves, my attendance gets jacked up, or I just cannot handle the pain. I've been "almost fired" from several jobs, "laid off" from a few and literally fired from one.

This cannot and will not go on. I believe God can and will heal me. However, I am NOT going to insult myself or the rest of the Fibromyalgia/Chronic Illness society by saying that I DON'T have this condition.

God didn't make us stupid.

Correction: God didn't make ME stupid. I can't speak for the rest of you yahoo's out here.

So many doctors don't want to "touch" Fibromyalgia. The Rheumatologists that I've had so far don't seem to be willing to "vouch" for disability. They seem to think that meds and exercise automatically will solve everything and in 2 weeks (or whatever) I "can go back to working" at a high volume, high stress call center where I sit 8 hrs a day tied to a phone taking 60+ calls.

Did I mention stress is a MAJOR factor in Fibromyalgia flares? Oh, I'm sorry, did you say, "Well, get a non-stress job"?

Are you serious?

Name one job that's non stressful. Go ahead...I'll wait.

The defense rests. No further questions.

I write because I am a writer. My frustration is best taken out on you, the culprit, Fibromyalgia, in the form of the written word. You don't have to like my blog. I really don't care.

I have nothing except my faith, my family, and my frankness.

I'm asking for donations guys. I'm raising funds to pay my heat and lights, to pay for my internet to blog, to buy groceries, and to purchase gifts for Alex this Christmas. I can't do this alone. I've tried. I've failed.

Thank you to all of you who have given from your hearts already. I hope one day, I can return the blessing.

I'm having a moment.

I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry.

Love,
The (still fighting hard) Fibro Warrior Princess
Ashara